‘And my dad thinks it’s a bad idea.’ It felt like a rip, a tear in the picture of how things were supposed to be, and Emma wanted to take it back.
‘Why’s that?’
‘I’m not clever enough.’ Her stomach flipped. ‘You won’t tell anyone, will you, about the eating?’
‘No, complete confidentiality. And what does your mum think?’
‘Whatever he tells her to.’ Emma’s face was on fire. She shouldn’t be thinking this, talking like this. She felt terrible, but Dr Sulayman was so kind and not shocked or anything.
‘They don’t know about your eating disorder?’
‘No.’
‘You have any brothers or sisters?’
Emma shook her head.
‘Friends you could talk to?’
‘No.’ There were a couple of girls she hung round with at school, mainly because they were the leftovers, like she was, the losers, and you had to sit next to someone at school. None of their conversations ever got too personal.
‘Your parents think university is not for you. What do you think?’
Emma shrugged.
‘Is there something else you’d like to do? Do you have a career in mind?’
Emma shrugged again. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. The trouble was, there was no one thing she was really good at.
‘It sounds like everything’s very uncertain for you at the moment, exams, not sure which direction to go in. But it also sounds like you’ve been unhappy far too long.’
Emma bit the inside of her cheek.
The doctor paused, then brought her hands together in a silent clap, fingers pointing at Emma. She had lovely nails. Emma hid her own.
‘Here’s what I suggest: I will put you on the waiting list for counselling, and before then,’ she swivelled in her chair and opened one of the desk drawers, pulled out a leaflet, ‘here we are.’ She held it out to Emma. ‘You read this.’
Eating Disorders – an introduction and guide to treatment. Emma wanted to give it back, tear it up. This had been a bad idea. She only caught fragments of the rest.
‘Resources listed… linked to low self-confidence… feel better about ourselves.’
How? Emma thought helplessly. Beginning to wish she hadn’t told Dr Sulayman any of it.
‘Do you see a dentist regularly?’
‘I don’t like the dentist,’ Emma said.
‘One of the side effects of bringing back food…’ – and she didn’t mean from the shops – ‘is the acid corroding the enamel. You’ve lovely teeth…’
Emma blushed. Lovely teeth!
‘… but this could cause irreparable damage both to them and to the lining of the oesophagus as well.’ She said it so gently, not like a lecture. ‘The dentist might be able to help you protect your teeth.’
Emma did that anyway. She always brushed her teeth straight after, and she drank loads of milk and ate cheese. She imagined losing her teeth, being gummy as well as fat. The urge to leave was massive. She stood up.
‘Lots of girls have this problem.’ The doctor got to her feet. She was tiny next to Emma. ‘And people overcome it. Support from family and friends can be a big help.’
Emma shook her head. Forget it, then.
‘Sometimes people need to create a bit of space, some independence, especially if the situation in the family reinforces poor self-esteem.’
‘I need to go,’ Emma said quickly.
Dr Sulayman handed her the prescription and smiled. ‘Take care, Emma, and good luck with your exams.’
Emma hadn’t kept the appointment with the counsellor when it finally came through. But she had eventually read the pamphlet and she had looked up some of the websites it mentioned. She didn’t like it; it made her feel grimy and guilty, and anyway she could manage, she just ate a bit too much sometimes.
She got a C and two Ds in her exams and put her name down for the new Tesco that was opening down the road.
* * *
Andrew
The depth of winter, Andrew thought. Winter had depth, summer had height. Barely seven and a half hours of daylight at this time of year. Now, close to midday, the sun had reached its zenith, a brassy ball in a cerulean sky. Light glancing off all the shiny surfaces: the metalled road, the cars, the glass in the buildings and stretches of river glimpsed from the bridge.
Andrew turned in at the garden centre. The car park was surprisingly busy. A sign at the entrance offered Christmas Trimmings and Lights at HALF PRICE!!! The thought that people were here stocking up for next December was depressing.
